scribbling paper

a story of a dog

2006-01-22T05:27:00.000+11:00

i just watched this doco on animal planet about dogs. it's about this dog training program for the disabled. and the people who train them are convicts... which is news to me...
some of them admitted that by training these dogs, they have something to look forward to everyday... and ironically, these dogs were actually unwanted dogs that were abandoned on the streets... well, guess both the trainer and the dog are given hope by doing this training program.

one of the trainer even said that he's been given the chance to be a kid again... he grew up in the wrong side of hte neighborhood and stabbing people is just like daily activities for him but since he got the chance to train a dog called 'Bond', he said that he realized what 'straight' life is all about...
those convicts who are locked up for 23 hours a day are very happy when they see the dog... eventhough it's just caressing the dog thru the steel bars but, they look so happy just by doing that. some cons said that the dogs remind him of home...

before this i didnt even know this kind of training existed let alone in a state pen... who knows that training dogs can actually give a meaning to life to some people and put a smile on their face everyday... =)

[ heart or brain ]

2005-08-16T00:56:00.000+10:00

when you know that the relationship you're about to enter will end up nowhere but hell... would you still go for it?

-the conversation inside ourselves probably would go something like this-

BRAIN : absofcknlutely NOT! in the end, we're all gonna get hurt...no, no, no... I AM gonna get hurt! why bother!? let's save the pain, the tears and the regret (not to mention what a waste of kisses!) for someone who's at least a little bit more worthy. Come on! It's like I am not allowed to eat ice cream but I already have one in my hand! so why bother... get real!

HEART : why dont i just try?! i know i'm gonna get hurt in the end... but at least, i learn something. and plus, i wont go by life wondering 'what if' about this relationship... i have the courage to actually try this out and fight for my love. i'm fighting for what i believe in. there's nothing wrong with that!!

which one should we follow? both has excellent point... both has reasonable cause.... so which one?

AND... it is a common knowledge that synchronizing brain and heart is an impossible thing to do, eventho lots of people have tried to execute this concept but none actually work. it's gonna be brain OR heart in the end...

so... what's it gonna be?

apology

2005-08-06T02:29:00.000+10:00

silent tonight, no one in sight
enchantments in the air
shame, no more love to share...

how the moon shine so bright
humiliates this regret i feel inside
but is this regret in my heart....
when i know that this is right?

the fast wind blows my worries away
in my cold bed, alone i lay
no tears in my eyes...
no feeling left even if i try

weary whispers in my ears
wanting this heart to be freed
with you i want to be
with you is not what i need

a thousand apology wont heal
but this is what's real...

selfish

2005-06-21T13:33:00.000+10:00

it does suck to be the one stuck in the middle... but it is more shitty to be the one being left out. so, i came to this conclusion that you wont be the one who's being left out if you dont have anyone to be around you to depend on in the first place. you just be yourself. make your own stand. do your own thing.

i know it's a bit too late to be selfish cause there is so many collection of pain, heartache, guilt and tears...but i need to be selfish. one can only endure so much suffering.

well, well, well....look at me ranting on and on about my suffering....BUT i am trying to be selfish. trying really hard.

no definitions. no boundaries. no regrets.

a letter for my angels

2005-04-08T23:44:00.000+10:00

for my two angels in life...

through the thick, thicker and thickest.... thank you for always being there ^^

03.04.05

2005-04-04T01:02:00.000+10:00

i dunno if it's normal to actually feel happy about what happened today. i finally met someone i've been looking for... and it is a big relieved to see him today. in a very good and happy mood, i might add.

i have no idea why i'm so relieved right now... i guess, i'm just happy to finally be able to feel genuinely happy.

forget & forget

2005-04-02T04:26:00.000+10:00

a friend of mine told me earlier this night that you dont really forget (or in this case, surrender it to the higher power) until you physically throw every living evidence about him. but wouldnt it be hard if every living evidence you have about him is locked up nicely and wrapped so beautifully inside your head? complete with the pink flowery ribbon around it...

but other those wonderfully bitter memories, i have thrown everything i possibly can away. the words he ever said to me, sweet and sour ones... yep, put that in the trash can and moved on!

now... those words are a piece of cake to forget but... the flicker in his eyes when we talked about music, the smile that makes small wrinkles at the corner of his lips or his scent that can calmed me down everytime i felt like i was a wreck....

sure... i will miss those things... but hey, i'm just glad i've found someone like this once in my life, and i know, i'm that damn lucky because in the future, i'm gonna find someone better than that. maybe i wont see a flicker in his eyes, but i'll see a burning fire when he's talking about something he likes. Maybe there wont be wrinkles in the corner of his lips, but there will be the sweetest kiss waiting there for me. Maybe he wont have that distinctive scent that can calm me down, but he might have the scent that makes me love him more...

when someone said to me "single is either a choice or a destiny" .... well, obviously i dont choose to be single but yeah, maybe i'm destined to be single. but until a certain period of time. now, i'm jt enjoying people come and go in my life, leaving theire marks in my pages of history but i promise you that one day, there's gonna be someone who's not gonna leave just a mark in my pages of history but also a heart. and that i will keep forever.

superiorly inferior

2005-03-31T03:25:00.000+10:00

i have never feel so inferior in my life. losing the elements of your life one by one and you just stand there and not being able to do anything about it. only feeling the pain and sorrow but at the same time, you learn to surrender your every will to higher power and try to have faith in something else other than yourself.

*cue : Kupercaya by GMB*

i jut hate being alone. i've never been a loner (this, i was reminded by someone!). and it really hurts to actually realize that i am alone eventhough i am an only child. and to make matters worse, i feel like people around me ignore me. they dont see me and that i am invisible. what a wonderful feeling ey!? *being very very sarcastic here*

so what happened was, i was chatting with my friend and i told him, "i need to be very selfish for the next 5 minutes. i might sound like a total bitch and i might bitch about everything that is currently going on in my life, can you be my garbage bin and just hear me out?"
he agreed. and so i did. i rambled on about something that has been bugging me for the past 5 days... and i was being really, really selfish for no reason. but he listened to me and he even understand how i was feeling.

but then, what happened next, i sorta broke my promise to him and i felt really bad for it. no, i dont think he's angry or mad to me but he was highly annoyed with me. he was really sensitive to me. i felt really bad and i wish there was a better way to say 'sorry' but I guess at this point, the most reasonable way to say sorry is to give him space and keep my promise in the future.

of course, after that... i got to do something to calm me down and i figure that eating chocolate wont be the solution. then i remember something i just from camp... i have to learn to surrender my fear (which is the oppposite of love!!) to God. so i did exactly that. i surrender my fear to God. i prayed.

about 10 minutes after i prayed, my mind cleared up and i was reminded of how lucky i am to have such a friend like him. i might have some stuff that i dont really agree with him but, i'm setting my foot down and throwing away the score cards... he listened to my selfish rambling and didnt complain. he even sympathized to it. he knew how it felt.

so, here we are, at the end of it all... i'm smiling because i'm reminded of how lucky i am... i was wrong when i felt inferior because i am neither superior nor inferior... i'm just a normal human who has ups and downs moments and i'm lucky enough to be blessed with someone like him as a friend.

ps: but this is the final straw. no more of this crap. i'm exhausted. eventhough i learnt a lot from it, i've had enough.

at this second

2005-03-30T03:00:00.000+10:00

today is 30th of march... 3am in the morning...

...i just wanna cry cause i've never feel so alone in my life...

twist of fate

2005-03-22T00:25:00.000+11:00

i have been quite busy with camp lately. have to buy lotsa stuff and then make the checklist... but i'm glad that everyone is hyped up for camp. it is gonna be interesting this year camp...

meanwhile, in the other part of my life, everything is smooth sailing... finally, the same issue i've been agonizing for the past 6 months is over and now, moving on. still dunno what this new phase of moving on is called but hey, at least... now i'm having fun! ^^

gosh... my life just took a very interesting turn... i never really saw this twist of fate coming!! dunno if this is a good or bad thing but yeah, it's a change and a change is exactly what i need ...

so for now... i just wanna have fun! ^^

tastyfied

2005-03-20T05:03:00.000+11:00

that picture was taken by disti just before i went to 'TasTy'

i went there with a bunch of friends but unfrotunately, disti couldnt make *which she now regrets cause she didnt get to see the 'thing' * hohoho...

i met some old friends there cause as it turned out, my friend was one of the organizer and yeah, everyone was there...

it was a fun nite, i reckon... let loose and it was a very worth-it nite... ^^

cutting the ropes

2005-03-18T00:14:00.000+11:00

hmm... it is going to be very hard to change a habit. i've been living in a new realm lately. it's cold. it's harsh...

i have to let go of something very precious in my life and letting go of something you care about is never easy. man, i dont even know if i'm doing the right thing but they say if you love something, you have to let it go... stoopid theory but i'm trying all of the possibe theory in this world, might as well try this one then.

gosh, it has been really hard letting go.. but i have to... let go...

boredom strikes

2005-03-17T12:18:00.000+11:00

----WARNING : this next blog you're about to read is nothing but junk----

movies : the most recent movie i watched is HITCH. and it is very interesting comedy. very funny. but it makes me wonder why dont make the female version of HITCH ?! wouldnt that be more interesting!? cause obviously, it is not strange anymore in the society nowadays that women make the first move, right?! hmm...

music : currently listening to Ben Lee's new album called 'Awake is The New Sleep' (very interesting title for all of the vampires and insomnias out there) and one song titled 'Catch My Disease' really cathes my attention (so i guess the title works!!) .... a couple of first lines of the lyrics said;

my brain is a box filled with nothing
and that's the way i like it
my heart is a secret compartment
and that's the way i like it

yeah... so... that's the way I like my life for now =)

books : i just finished reading 'JOMBLO' which is very very entertaining, i have to say. it's a light book that does not require much thinking or anything. it is talking about how infidelity is a part of normal now. as people said, comedy and love is the essence of life... and i have to agree.

and the trend these days is 'blogging'... they even do an article about it in cosmopolitan! oh well... one blog is hard enuff to maintain...

ps: dont blame me if you read this blog until here and agree that this is a complete piece of junk, i already warned you way before... *admit it! ur hooked, arent you!?*

because...

2005-03-14T23:23:00.000+11:00

"because nobody will ever love you like i do..."

the first relief...

2005-03-13T00:56:00.000+11:00

today was a good day. went to the Glen for a while and then went to MYF for practise as bv.

i actually felt peace in all my heart, soul and mind. which is something that doesnt happen very often. so, i did my best to enjoy today.

there was a meeting for camp, afterwards, helped my friend packed up the music instruments and then went to e.g. for some milkshakes...and of course, to chit chat about nothing...

and then, i finally did something that i've been thinking since last night... i was going to do this several days from now but i thought, hey, i'm in a good vibe...let's just do this now. hahahaha...maybe u guys are wondering, 'what the hell is this thing she's gonna do anyways?'

it's actually just something i've been meaning to ask my friend...asking and then some hehehe... but yeah, i'm relieved now that i know the answer and actually, it's better than i thought... hoho... all is good in my neighborhood...

it takes two...

2005-03-11T02:09:00.000+11:00

it is amazing how two very different personalities can think so much alike and not to mention the same in interest in photography...

fall to pieces

2005-03-09T23:03:00.000+11:00

"And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you"

have u ever feel that you're not allowed to love someone? when your brain and your heart want exactly two opposite things? and when in the end, there's nothing you can do it about but just to let your feeling to simmer in the dampness of your misery? *najis... pahit abis yak??*

if you love someone, despite all of the despicable things he had done in the past... can you call that true love? or is it just...*sigh* i dont know what to call it... i've lost words to put a name of this feeling. my tongue is too numb to say these feelings i have...it's been too long, it's been too hurtful...

this feeling... to just say nothing in front of him... just sit there, stare at him and let your heart do the talking... it's uncountable how many times have your lips had said the words 'i love you' and you meant it with every bit of your heart, but will it make any difference if your heart says it? no... the tears have given up hope, every crystal drop of feelings had been frozen and... no more left, my eyes are already shut....

but everytime my lips said 'enough!' .... i find my heart still in the same place...with him....

nostalgic midnite

2005-03-08T18:59:00.000+11:00

i got a lot of old The Moffatts songs today. i find listening to their music brings me back to the time when i was still living 'carelessly'. the time when i could fall in love without hesitations...without thinking about the future...

the song 'miss you like crazy' reminds me of this guy who i used to date. he used to play this song in his cassette player and he told me that even when he's with me, he'd still miss me...'like crazy', i might add. and, since i was just a 13 yrs old girl, i believed every single word he said without any hesitations...at all. a fool in love, you might say =)

now, if a guy says to me, "i'm missing you" at the end of the day after we spent the whole day together...i'm gonna find that nothing but sweet-talk.bull crap. just because he has nothing better to say. why? why can't i feel the way i felt when i was 13 yrs old? when i could believe in love and just fall in love without a safety net? not afraid of the possibilty of being hurt...why cant i just go back to theat moment when i truly believe in this thing called 'love'?

but, interesting twist though, there's this new trend called 'flirting'... it does not require the people involved in it to fall in love with each other. flirting is sort of like a 'proper means to channel your desire to feel wanted and/or to want someone' without being tangled in the spiderweb of love. complicated? or is it? oh well, complicated or not, i reckon there's nothing wrong with flirting as long as the people involved in it know the limits and don't go beyond that limits cause once they do... it's gonna be a downward spiralling hell from that point on.

hmm...'just another phase' by The Moffatts is on now... got me to think... maybe all of this crap i'm rambling on about is just to channel my frustration on this fcked up phase i'm going thru... hopefully, it is just a phase....

promises

2005-03-08T16:50:00.000+11:00

i was listening to ashlee simpson's song 'love makes the world go round' and one line on the lyrics really hit me hard in my conscious... "i guess promises are better left unsaid"

is this true? ...promises are better left unsaid.... promises are better left unsaid...

if you think about it, when someone made a promise to you, i bet that you'd expected to the utmost that that person will fulfill that promise... but when that person broke that promise, doesn't matter what that promise is, that person broke your heart as well...well, maybe broke here can mean very disappointed or just "oh well, what can you do?!"

it is funny how when someone broke his promise to me, i always think of how i always keep my promises to him... but what someone said to me really changed my mind. i promised him something, which at that moment, i knew that i can keep it. but that person just said 'don't make promises.' ... of course that, i said. "but i will keep it. at least, i will try my best to keep it!" but this person just stare at me and repeat the same thing "dont make promises"

i just sat there silently... thinking..."how else can i convince you if you dont let me promise you something? give you a 'guarantee' that i will change?" ... but, my head yelled at my heart "he's right, you know. dont make promises eventhough you know that you can keep them. just shut up. and do it." ---->> this kind of heart-being-yelled-at-by-head thing is gonna happen pretty often from this point on cause that is the current issue i'm dealing with right now... *lol*

back to the topic, ashlee then went on about 'a girl's promise is better left unsaid' ... as a girl, i totally get what she's saying. it's not that she's afraid to break the guy's heart, no way... girls are too selfish to feel that *lol* but, i guess, ashlee was just trying to say that when a girl made a promise, she made it with her heart...and if the other person (read: the guy) does not comply (or broke that promise for her), her heart's gonna get bruised... because her lips are merely just a device of expressing what her heart feels... her heart is gonna be the one suffering...

i'm not saying that guys dont think when they made promises, of course they do... but, as widely known and i think most of you will agree, guys dont think with their heart, girls do... and once the heart is bruised, she cant think anymore...she cant feel no longer...

*sigh* here i am again, rambling about the randomness in life in a blog on a Tuesday afternoon in the uni library cause i'm sick of filling up buletin boards... *big sigh*